The beginning of a new relationship is definitely an
important change in our life at that moment. But what does this mean exactly
and what is it that still stays the same? In our article we are going to
describe some factors that we should consider when it comes to answering these
questions.
Singles looking for a serious relationship often
imagine how the ideal next partner may enter their lives and what kind of
changes this event may result in. However, to really be prepared for these we
need to have realistic expectations from the relationship itself and also see
what should remain the same as before. For this reason we have collected 3 main
ideas that might be useful to take into consideration.
1. Just like in the movies
Our culture, especially fairy tales and Hollywood
movies depict a specific way of thinking about love. Finding your life partner
is almost always considered a “happy end”. This seems to be the ultimate goal
that is worth fighting for, and after all the conflicts have been resolved, we
can settle into the perfect “happily ever after”.
We benefit from this concept in certain ways, for
example from our early childhood on we can learn about the main values in life:
it is widely accepted in society that family is one of them and humans are
social beings, therefore finding someone with whom you can have a deep
connection may be one of the tings that are worth it in exchange for some of
the difficulties that we face in our lives. The idea that we all have a
soulmate, so we should look for them is complex, but a negative and dangerous
interpretation of this approach is that this person will make us happy, as our
life will be much better and change significantly after we have found them.
There are also some interpretations that approach this
question from further away: some people state that everything in these stories
is symbolic, and their main message is that we need and are encouraged to fight
the challenges that come our way, including our own fears and insecurities
sometimes to reach happiness, whatever that means for you as an individual.
On the other hand it does not really make sense to set
the beginning of something new as “the end”. The beginning of your new
relationship is not a final destination, but the starting point of an exciting
journey and learning process. Happily ever after is just like any other
achievement: you need to put time and energy into it while learning new skills,
such as patience and acceptance at the same time. In a real life setting you
will not need to do something extraordinary to find someone you can be deeply
in love with, but you will need to learn to work together and accomplish minor
challenges successfully every day. This idea also means that even though both
you and your partner are imperfect, you are still perfect for each other.
2. You + me = us?
If
you start a serious relationship with someone, they will become part of your
life. You might buy real estate together, attend family meeting together, have
and raise children together, and so on. This means that you need to adapt in
some cases and even create something sometimes that represents who you are from
the sides of both of you at the same time. On the other hand, it is important
to find the balance and keep in mind that you are separate individuals at the
same time. Therefore it is totally ok to need some alone time, go out with a
different group of friends, practice a different hobby, pursue your goals at
work, etc. without your partner from time to time.
If your life were a house…
You may also imagine your life as a house. In one of
the rooms there is your family, in the second one there are your friends, in
the third one you find everything that is related to your job, and so on. All
rooms are important, as a house without a kitchen or bathroom may be
uncomfortable. If you want to build a new room (which will represent your new
relationship), you do not demolish the entire building so you can have that one
single extra room, but simply add it to what you already have, that is, your
friends, family, work, etc. Those will still be part of your life in any case. What
we actually look for in a serious relationship is having a stable emotional
connection with someone who gives us positive energy and is ready to catch us
when we fall. You can do the latter only if you have both feet on the ground
and can get motivation from other sources of success if there is a major
problem to solve.
3. Shared goals and values
If have
already seen our video from last week (if not, you can watch it here), by now
you probably know the difference between chemistry and compatibility. Even
though they are both important in a relationship, they are totally different
concepts. After all, you choose to start a relationship with someone who you
are attracted to in most cases, and this is also necessary when it comes to
sexuality, which is also a main element of most romantic relationships. On the
other hand, maintaining a serious, long-lasting relationship with someone takes
more than that. As it has already been mentioned, you need to create your life
together and lay a common ground to that on which you can build something
strong. Common values are usually a good basis.
Personality
development is a complex process affected by several factors including your
cultural background and childhood experience amongst all. What beliefs we
possess and what main goals we choose to achieve in life may be different on an
individual level, therefore it is worth finding out if our partner can support
us with these quite early after the excitement of falling in love has worn off,
as these cannot be changed or at least not easy to. Even though it is possible
to make compromises in most questions, there are a few determining key points. For
example if you do not want to have children at all but your partner cannot
imagine their life without them, it is impossible for either of you to give up
their original plans happily. It is best if some of your own individual goals
and some of those of your partner match, such as the ones regarding travelling
or creating a family, so you can both help each other with what you were
already planning to do.
The best way to find someone like-minded is to
surround yourself with such people. If you are looking for a partner who is
just as passionate about healthy lifestyle as you for example, go to gyms,
sport events, etc. to meet new people. Doing so has another advantage as well:
you can meet new people this way without stressing too much about it or having
too high expectations too soon, therefore a relationship can be formed
effortlessly in a natural way.
All in all, it is important to see that even though
finding a new romantic partner might be considered a goal that we would like to
achieve, accomplishing this challenge successfully does not mean that we have
reached a point from where on everything is going to be different and better
automatically. On the contrary, by taking this step we enter a new phase of
learning. Together with the other person we need to learn to support each other
in finding happiness and accomplishing everyday challenges successfully. Our
partner is like an addition to our existing circle and life, therefore it is
recommended to try to find a balance between pursuing old and new goals. If we
are really compatible in the long-term based on our shared main values, this
will not be so difficult, as we can both develop together in the same way.
If you found this article useful, please share it with your single friends along with the link of our group, which you can find below! Like our Facebook page so you can always see what is new! If you have any questions or suggestions, contact us!
The Conscious dating in Budapest team
https://www.facebook.com/consciousdatinginbudapest
www.facebook.com/groups/consciousdatinginbudapest/
consciousdatinginbudapest@gmail.com
