How will a new relationship (not) change my life?

The beginning of a new relationship is definitely an important change in our life at that moment. But what does this mean exactly and what is it that still stays the same? In our article we are going to describe some factors that we should consider when it comes to answering these questions.

Singles looking for a serious relationship often imagine how the ideal next partner may enter their lives and what kind of changes this event may result in. However, to really be prepared for these we need to have realistic expectations from the relationship itself and also see what should remain the same as before. For this reason we have collected 3 main ideas that might be useful to take into consideration.

1.    Just like in the movies

Our culture, especially fairy tales and Hollywood movies depict a specific way of thinking about love. Finding your life partner is almost always considered a “happy end”. This seems to be the ultimate goal that is worth fighting for, and after all the conflicts have been resolved, we can settle into the perfect “happily ever after”.

We benefit from this concept in certain ways, for example from our early childhood on we can learn about the main values in life: it is widely accepted in society that family is one of them and humans are social beings, therefore finding someone with whom you can have a deep connection may be one of the tings that are worth it in exchange for some of the difficulties that we face in our lives. The idea that we all have a soulmate, so we should look for them is complex, but a negative and dangerous interpretation of this approach is that this person will make us happy, as our life will be much better and change significantly after we have found them.

There are also some interpretations that approach this question from further away: some people state that everything in these stories is symbolic, and their main message is that we need and are encouraged to fight the challenges that come our way, including our own fears and insecurities sometimes to reach happiness, whatever that means for you as an individual.

On the other hand it does not really make sense to set the beginning of something new as “the end”. The beginning of your new relationship is not a final destination, but the starting point of an exciting journey and learning process. Happily ever after is just like any other achievement: you need to put time and energy into it while learning new skills, such as patience and acceptance at the same time. In a real life setting you will not need to do something extraordinary to find someone you can be deeply in love with, but you will need to learn to work together and accomplish minor challenges successfully every day. This idea also means that even though both you and your partner are imperfect, you are still perfect for each other.

2.    You + me = us?

If you start a serious relationship with someone, they will become part of your life. You might buy real estate together, attend family meeting together, have and raise children together, and so on. This means that you need to adapt in some cases and even create something sometimes that represents who you are from the sides of both of you at the same time. On the other hand, it is important to find the balance and keep in mind that you are separate individuals at the same time. Therefore it is totally ok to need some alone time, go out with a different group of friends, practice a different hobby, pursue your goals at work, etc. without your partner from time to time.

If your life were a house…

You may also imagine your life as a house. In one of the rooms there is your family, in the second one there are your friends, in the third one you find everything that is related to your job, and so on. All rooms are important, as a house without a kitchen or bathroom may be uncomfortable. If you want to build a new room (which will represent your new relationship), you do not demolish the entire building so you can have that one single extra room, but simply add it to what you already have, that is, your friends, family, work, etc. Those will still be part of your life in any case. What we actually look for in a serious relationship is having a stable emotional connection with someone who gives us positive energy and is ready to catch us when we fall. You can do the latter only if you have both feet on the ground and can get motivation from other sources of success if there is a major problem to solve.

3.     Shared goals and values

If have already seen our video from last week (if not, you can watch it here), by now you probably know the difference between chemistry and compatibility. Even though they are both important in a relationship, they are totally different concepts. After all, you choose to start a relationship with someone who you are attracted to in most cases, and this is also necessary when it comes to sexuality, which is also a main element of most romantic relationships. On the other hand, maintaining a serious, long-lasting relationship with someone takes more than that. As it has already been mentioned, you need to create your life together and lay a common ground to that on which you can build something strong. Common values are usually a good basis.

Personality development is a complex process affected by several factors including your cultural background and childhood experience amongst all. What beliefs we possess and what main goals we choose to achieve in life may be different on an individual level, therefore it is worth finding out if our partner can support us with these quite early after the excitement of falling in love has worn off, as these cannot be changed or at least not easy to. Even though it is possible to make compromises in most questions, there are a few determining key points. For example if you do not want to have children at all but your partner cannot imagine their life without them, it is impossible for either of you to give up their original plans happily. It is best if some of your own individual goals and some of those of your partner match, such as the ones regarding travelling or creating a family, so you can both help each other with what you were already planning to do.

The best way to find someone like-minded is to surround yourself with such people. If you are looking for a partner who is just as passionate about healthy lifestyle as you for example, go to gyms, sport events, etc. to meet new people. Doing so has another advantage as well: you can meet new people this way without stressing too much about it or having too high expectations too soon, therefore a relationship can be formed effortlessly in a natural way.

All in all, it is important to see that even though finding a new romantic partner might be considered a goal that we would like to achieve, accomplishing this challenge successfully does not mean that we have reached a point from where on everything is going to be different and better automatically. On the contrary, by taking this step we enter a new phase of learning. Together with the other person we need to learn to support each other in finding happiness and accomplishing everyday challenges successfully. Our partner is like an addition to our existing circle and life, therefore it is recommended to try to find a balance between pursuing old and new goals. If we are really compatible in the long-term based on our shared main values, this will not be so difficult, as we can both develop together in the same way.

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The Conscious dating in Budapest team

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