What if a relationship is going too fast and what does that mean at all? Let’s find out quickly!
First of all, we would like to share the thoughts of conscious dating expert TΓmea Bilics:
Red flags in dating 2. – If the pace is too fast
A few weeks ago I wrote an introductory article stating that if one of your relationships had a not too happy ending, you may often ask yourself where things went wrong and why you didn’t notice the red flags on time. You probably do not want the situation to be repeated and you don’t want to get hurt again.
As I also wrote back then, I generally do not like it when people point a finger at the other person, and I encourage everyone to find the reasons why they also contributed to the failure of the relationship first of all. However, there are also situations when things really don’t depend on you.
But what are the signs that suggest that the relationship isn’t going in the right way or you or you are not with the right person even during the dating period?
One of these is when the relationship is moving too fast. This may be a huge trap because when you really like someone, you would like to be with them and spend as much time with them as possible. If you have the impression that the other person feels the same way too, you become joyful and hardly notice that you are going too fast.
Today’s rushy world also contributes to this process, where messages get delivered in a split second, any kind of information can be found instantly on the Internet, where we judge the another person quickly, because we do not have time to get to know them. People in today’s society are indeed impatient and want to get everything immediately. Of course, there may be differences, but in general we do not learn to wait.
But why is quickness a problem?
Because if we access everything too quickly, we do not learn to value things, and we will not develop the feeling of craving, anticipation, and desire either. On top of all these if things are going too fast, our attention slackens, we cannot be fully present, and we lose some details that would be good to experience or notice.
When a relationship is moving too fast,
1. I do not have enough time to observe myself and how I feel in the relationship, what effect the other person has on me. For example, is there calmness behind the passion, or do I feel a little discomfort, distrust, am I questioning anything, do I have doubts about the other person about the other person or the relationship, which should be discussed?
2. I do not have time to observe whether this pace is good for me and comfortable, or am I moving onto the next step out of fear, because I’m afraid of losing the other person?
3. I do not notice if the other person crosses my borders and things have been happening for a long time that are not comfortable for me.
4. I might lose my sense of reality and not notice if something is wrong. I do not have time to think over what has been said and what has been done. We may ignore for example vague or irrational reasonings, whose purpose is to cover potential falsehoods, by the other person.
5. Real feelings will not develop more quickly, those need time. What you feel in the beginning is very good and points forward, but it is not really a feeling, only desire and a fantasy projected onto the other person.
But what counts as too fast?
Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about when two people both like each other and things are on their way, where they may be huge differences regarding time.
I am talking about when you would like to move slowly, but the other person is rushing you or the other way around.
When during online chatting they already ask you about your sexual habits even though you have not even seen each other yet.
When after exchanging a few messages they already demand an answer regarding why you are not texting them.
When on the first date they already call you their girlfriend/boyfriend or “sweetheart”, and they already become jealous of your exes.
When they already want to sleep with you on the first date and convince you to do so even though you would not want to do it yet.
When on the second date they already want to introduce you to their family.
When the other person wants to move in together after one month, etc.
Always observe how you are in your relationship and what pace feels good for you! If you feel that it is too fast, you have the right to let the other person know this at any time and ask for time. This is the point where you can really see if they can become your partner. If they understand and respect this, go on with them. If they do not understand it, try to make a deal, judge you, or ignore your feelings, you had better put on your coat immediately and find that person who pays attention to you and appreciates what you can give at the moment.
TΓmea Bilics
We’ve also asked the members of our Facebook group, Conscious dating in Budapest, how they see this topic. The result are presented on this chart:
If a relationship is moving very fast (you sleep together on the first-second date, then move in together in a few weeks let's say), that is...
While most voters (23 people) think it is hard to judge the situation because many things depend on the circumstances, the majority of them think it is just too fast (14 votes), dangerous (12 votes) and unhealthy (1 vote). The given options describing positive qualities were not chosen at all, only exciting, marked by 5 voters. Those who commented also mentioned the role of finances in the matter, that is, if you move in together with someone quickly, it is easier to share the costs instead of having to pay them all alone.
Let’s look at the possible reasons and dynamics behind these result. When the relationship is going too fast, that may be…
Situation-dependent: as TΓmea also wrote, if this feels comfortable for you, there are no problems. If you are aware of your boundaries, you can easily decide whether they have been crossed or not. This where self-awareness comes into the picture, which is essential in a situation like this. She also mentioned why it is a problem if things are just too fast and we do not notice some important details.
Dangerous: there are two main potential dangers here. Apart from losing our sense of reality (we will yet again not go into details here too), the other one is a potential power imbalance. It can easily happen that one person wants to give more and the other person wants to take more, which is not ideal, even if it might seem comfortable at first. This can happen in several ways: when it comes to finances, emotions, energy, etc.
Not healthy: the above-mentioned dangers basically explain why such a relationship is usually not healthy. If we do not see clearly and let ourselves be controlled, that does not have a good effect on our self-confidence, and it is also possible that we fail to notice some other toxic patterns for a long time.
Exciting: this situation is indeed, and it is possible to experience very deep and strong feelings. We all crave these, and they are important in romantic relationships. On the other hand, we should always keep in mind that in the long-term this will not be the main factor based on which the relationship can be evaluated. How the other person treats us and how we cope with everyday challenges together tells a lot more about the quality of our relationship. Actions always speak louder than words, so if someone says “I love you” or even that “we are soulmates”, let them prove that as well.
All in all, even though jumping into a new relationship very fast might seem exciting, most of us are aware of the potential dangers of this situation. Self-awareness always comes in handy so we can notice more easily if our boundaries have been crossed and whether what the other person’s behaviour along with the image we have in our mind match with reality. If all the three come together, the relationship is probably heading in the right direction, and if not, we need self-awareness to decide what we find worth or not worth investing our energy into.
Source:
The topics mentioned in this article were inspired by the works of conscious dating expert TΓmea Bilics and her book „A tudatos tΓ‘rskeresΓ©s alapjai” (available only in Hungarian). It was one of the first sources from which I learned about conscious dating, so I recommend it to all Hungarian-speakers (or Hungarian-readers).
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The Conscious dating in Budapest team
https://www.facebook.com/consciousdatinginbudapest
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