At the beginning of our project a few weeks ago we made a summary of the concept of conscious dating. We have received some questions since then, for example one of our readers wants to know whether conscious dating exclusively means looking for the one. Today we are going to discuss this topic in more detail.
So, does conscious dating mean that I am looking for a serious relationship with one person?
In short, for most singles yes, that is their main goal, and our main focus is on supporting that as well in our group. However, if we asked such a person why they want this, the answer would probably be quite complex in the end. Why do I want a serious relationship? Because I want emotional stability and have someone I can always count on, someone with whom I can always explore something new, and so on.
On the other hand, if you ask someone who does not want this, exactly the same will happen. I’m not looking for anything serious, because I do not want to lose my freedom, I am leaving the city in a year, and I don’t feel ready for that in general. That’s why I’m looking for only something short-term.
In both cases the speakers gave a conscious answer. They know what they want (or do not want) and they are aware of their underlyings motivation too. They also know how to communicate their needs, and this is what conscious dating is all about. Nobody can decide what is good for you instead of you, that’s why this is your first task if you decide to step onto this way. However, you also need to know how to communicate your ideas in the right way so others understand your needs and expectations clearly. We have created a list of what you should keep in mind under all circumstances.
How to be a conscious dater?
Let go of fairy tales
Get to know yourself and your needs
Learn to communicate your needs clearly
Develop acceptance and emotional maturity
Set and stick to your boundaries
Learn more about your partner and everything else around you
Let’s see how this process works in detail:
1. Let go of fairy tales
We have already mentioned before what the difference is between howmovies and fairy tales depict love and how most people experience itin their lives. In fact, both are possible. Some people want to experience something very intense, (just like in those stories), especially while they are young, and they do. However, such relationships require a lot of mental resources and letting yourself see someone as totally perfect may be dangerous. Therefore this condition cannot be maintained till the end of time, and after experiencing it many people start to wish for another kind of relationship (or the existing relationship becomes): a calmer one, which is about stability, trust, reliability, seeing a more or less objective image of your partner, and always being there for each other despite the difficulties rather than constantly experiencing a variety of emotions at the highest level.
Even if you want to try the first option, you should keep the second one in mind and start working on that part of the relationship too as soon as possible, or see how compatible you may be with your new partner from this point of view.
2. Get to know yourself and your needs
In today’s society, if you happen to be in a modern, multicultural environment, you can become whoever you want to be. This refers to your main life goals, for example where you want to live, do you want to have children or not, what you would like to achieve in your career, and so on. These are all important when it comes to finding a long-term partner, because they will need to support you in these.
However, at the same time it also refers to what kind of relationships you want to be in. Would you mind being in a long-distance relationship for example or is that totally out of the question? Do you want one long-term relationship or several shorter ones? What do you think about one night stands, can you treat them with the right expectations? Does your culture support polygamy, and if so, do you want to try it, or could you never imagine yourself doing that? Our needs are all different. Nobody knows better than you what is good for you, so this is why it is important to become aware of what you want and keep the next point in mind:
3. Learn to communicate your needs clearly
If you have little or no experience in dating and relationships, communication will probably take some learning. This is a complex issue, but now we would like to highlight two concepts: honesty and respect. It is clear what being honest about your intentions means, but there is also a link between the two: if you are not frank, sooner or later you might lose your respect, and the consequences are the same after all.
If we compare any relationship (even friendly or business ones) to a car, respect is like the fuel. If there is no more left, it stops working. Pushing it by force requires a lot of effort, and maybe you can keep moving forward this way for a while, but not as much as you wish you could, so sooner or later you will toally give up and start focusing almost exclusively on the negative traits of your partner that have contributed to creating this situation.
On the other hand, being respectful pays off in the long-term: whatever happened between you and another person, it is much easier to focus on the positive side of it and what you’ve learned from it if you do not need to deal with new negative emotions before that such as anger or guilt. If both parties were respectful towards each other during the relationship, is also less difficult to cooperate with your ex-partner if you had kids together, work for the same company, or simply have many mutual friends if you still have respect for each other.
Respect is also something that needs to be both given and gotten, therefore finding a balance between the two is essential. The ideal situation is when both parties do both equally.
4. Develop acceptance and emotional maturity
A relationship always depends on two people. If you know what you want and communicate that clearly, honestly and respectfully towards the other person, now it is up to them how they react. For example, you might tell someone you are not ready for a serious relationship, and they might think: “I do want one, so I am sure I’ll be able to make him/her change his/her mind about this!” Trying to force your way of thinking on someone, to change someone, or to save someone from themselves – these are all actions that require hard work but will most probably not pay off in the end.
What you should do instead is always listen to the other person and see how compatible their plans and expectations are with yours. If someone has different needs or a different opinion, accept and respect that and decide what the next step should be taking that into account. If you develop this kind of emotional maturity, you can make more mindful decisions when it comes to dating.
5. Set and stick to your boundaries
We’ve just talked about trying to “save someone from themselves”, which is a good example to demonstrate what setting your boundaries means. You have a life and you are responsible for finding happiness in it. Your partner is in exactly the same situation, so if they are not able to do that, you can say you can try to help in some ways, but you cannot devote the majority of your energy to trying to fix their problem instead of them. But setting your boundaries and saying NO may apply to minor things as well.
Last week we discussed how your comfort zone affects your life. If you start a new relationship with a new partner, that usually comes with a lot of new opportunities as well to try what you haven’t before. Feel free to experiment with these and decide what is comfortable or not comfortable for you in the long-term. Try to find a balance between your old and new goals so you can create your life together gradually without having to make abrupt changes and take the next big step in the relationship when both of you feel ready. Do not put all your focus on your new partner if you’ve had only a few dates so far, because this way it will be harder to see a more or less objective image of them.
6. Learn more about your partner and everything else around you
Getting to know your partner to see a more or less objective image of them is in fact a learning process. So is the relationship itself and every other important situation in your life. Diamond is the hardest substance on earth, therefore you cannot use any other material to cut it and make it shiny, only itself. The same happens in our relationships: other people often motivate us to question our old way of thinking, learn new communication skills, become better at managing our emotions, step out of our comfort zone, start something new, and the list could be continued.
All in all, conscious dating is not about reaching a certain goal that most people think is necessary to achieve in life. It is more about being aware of your own needs and wishes and setting the right expectations accordingly. As we are all different and think differently, it is great learning opportunity as well, because it requires you to learn valuable skills such as acceptance or communicating clearly. The new people you meet might also motivate you to develop yourself in other other ways, for example by setting boundaries or stepping out of your comfort zone on the contrary.
If you find our content useful, feel free to share it with your single friends along with the link of our group, which you can find below! You can also leave a comment or like our Facebook page too so you can always see what is new! If you have any questions or suggestions, you can find our contact info below as well.
The Conscious dating in Budapest team
https://www.facebook.com/consciousdatinginbudapest
www.facebook.com/groups/consciousdatinginbudapest/
consciousdatinginbudapest@gmail.com
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