Expectations are often a source of conflicts in relationships. After all if we don’t have any, we can’t get disappointed, can we? From one point of view no, but from another point of view yes, you still can, as we will see. For this reason self-awareness is important so we can see clearly who might be or not be a potential partner for us with whom we can plan for the long-term.
In order to do so, let’s do a short test. The question is simple, what kind of partner are you looking for?
We will give you 3 example answers (with some
exaggeration, so taking it with humour is strongly advised). On the other hand,
as everybody’s needs are different, it is not possible to give a right or wrong
answer to this question. For this reason we will consider all of them neutral
and examine both the positive and negative sides to them.
Example 1:
I don’t know.
When someone likes me back, I’ll be happy.
What you are doing well:
· Spontaneity is undeniably essential
when it comes to dating. You do not always need to know in advance what will
happen and how.
· Being open and ready to make compromises
is definitely a state of mind that helps you in this situation.
· Not having too many expectations and
not getting stressed out allow you to take it easy and feel much more relaxed
during the entire process. Letting go is definitely necessary.
Where you could improve:
· This attitude poses several dangers
as well. For example:
· People who are indecisive often get
into and stay in toxic relationships for a longer period of time.
· Even if your partner is nice, you
might end up putting too much energy into the relationship and neglecting other
things that used to matter to you.
· It might be hard for you to realize
and take the necessary steps if it turns out that the relationship does not
work out for any reason.
Our advice:
· Write a list of the core values and
main goals in your life, then think over how another person could contribute to
these.
o
What
would their personality be like?
o
What
would they add to these?
o
What
difficulties would arise?
o
What
is it that you would not be able to tolerate?
· Find hobbies or other activities
that you are passionate about and enjoy doing regardless of how your
relationship status changes.
· Learn more about different
personality types so you can identify more easily if you have something in
common with someone.
· If you need to, work on your
self-confidence and learn to set boundaries!
Example 2
I am looking
for a guy who is at least 185 centimetres tall and has bluish-green eyes and
brownish-blonde hair. He should speak English, French, and German, and love
dogs more than cats. He should not drink, but go to the gym at least 3
times/week. If he smokes, that is ok as long as he does not buy more than two
boxes of cigarettes/month. He should also like Italian cuisine but hate fast
food just like me and plan to have 2 kids within 8 years and 254 days. I do not
want to date a lawyer, as my ex was a lawyer too and he never had time for me
because of his job! I can’t wait to meet this perfect person and take him to my
favorite café and dancing classes, and introduce him to my friends from the
Chinese course I am taking!
What you are doing well:
· You have many hobbies and do many
activities that you love. This is amazing and it makes you an attractive person
who probably always has something interesting to say during a conversation!
· Your self-awareness is high, that
is, you know yourself quite well and can tell what you can tolerate and what it
is that you cannot.
· Supposing you really know your worth
and this why you set such high standards, it is totally understandable that you
are not desperate and want to make conscious decisions.
Where you could improve:
· Make sure your list is so long for
the reasons mentioned above, and not because it is trying to compensate the
lack of self-confidence or because it is based on all your negative experience
from the past.
· If you want to be in a long-term
relationship and even create a family later, you might not be able to keep up
this lifestyle forever. You will need to find the balance between no longer
having hobbies and opportunities to develop yourself and doing those but not
having any space for a relationship in your life at all.
· The lack of flexibility is a huge
obstacle when it comes to dating. You
cannot always control or plan every detail in advance, and life has many
beautiful surprises that may surpass your expectations.
Our advice:
If I had to
describe the situation of this person with a quote, I’d choose this one from
George Bernard Shaw: „There are two tragedies in life. One is not to
get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.” Basically these are the
two possible outcomes:
1. You do not meet anyone who meets all
those „requirements” for a very long time.
2. In an incredible way you do! You are
very happy because you think you know exactly what she ordered, so that is what
are getting. However, there will always be at least one surprise in the package
that you forgot to consider and might be challenging for you.
For example, let’s say you want to meet a very nice person who is family-oriented, liked by their parents because they have almost never done anything wrong and respect the old values, and so on. You meet this person with these qualities, but soon it turns out that they depend too much on their relatives because of the shared values and these close connections. So keep the old saying in mind and „be careful what you wish for because you just might get it”.
What you can do to make
all turn out well:
· Work on your self-confidence and
previous relationship experience if needed.
· Generalize your statements a bit
more so you exclude fewer potential partners (for example: instead of someone
who goes to the gym 3 times a week I simply want to find someone who cares
about their health).
· When it comes to your past
experience, however, keep in mind that based on that you should not always make
generalizations, at least not in the wrong way.
· Accept it that nobody is perfect and
your new partner might not necessarily have the same interests as you. Respect
what is important to them.
· Be open to see what you are
comfortable with and what is acceptable for you. Things do not always go
according to the plan, but they can be even better in the end than you
expected!
Example 3:
I am looking
for a guy who takes care of his body and appearance, but what really matters is
that he should be intelligent and have a few interesting hobbies so we always
have something to talk about. I dream of having kids in 10 years or so, therefore
I am definitely looking for a family-oriented person who is ready to start his
own one in the future. For this reason I do not want him to be a workaholic.
What you are doing well:
· You are aware of your needs that you
would like to be met in a relationship.
· Your list excludes a few people, for
example workaholics and those who do not want to have children, but otherwise
your description may still apply to many potential partners.
· You have found the golden mean
between having and not having expectations.
Where you could improve:
· Keep in mind that not everybody has
the same way of thinking. If you meet someone from category 1 for example, make
sure that they really agree with you in the most important questions you as
they also know what they want.
· Stick to your principles but be open
at the same time! If you think it is ok to make a compromise in a minor issue,
do it. However, as for the more important ones, if you are sure you wouldn’t
feel comfortable about something, do not let the circumstances change your
mind!
· Make sure you also have the traits
and qualities that are on your list.
Our advice:
· From time to time modify your list
if needed due to your new life or dating experience.
· Learn more about different
personality types so you can identify more easily if someone seems to have most
of the qualities you are looking for.
· Learn to express your needs clearly
and determinedly.
· Visualize daily what it will be like
to be in a relationship that meets your needs.
Why is this so important? First of all,
obviously because you do not want to spend weeks, months, or even years either
waiting for something that is not going to happen or wasting your time
somewhere where you don’t belong. Secondly, just like in the beginning, we are
yet again talking about balance and finding the golden mean. A relationship is
often about finding that between your needs and the other person’s needs,
giving and receiving, holding onto each other and giving space, and so on.
Therefore it helps you a lot if your chosen partner’s needs and expectations
along with the relationship itself are in harmony with your own goals instead
of constantly keeping you in cognitive dissonance. This quote from George
Benson depicts an ideal picture: “Our dreams are young and we both
know, they'll take us where we want to go”. That is, we have mutual plans
and goals that are also part of or can be added to the list of achievements
that we would like to accomplish individually.
All in all, when choosing a partner for a
long-term relationship, you should have a list with a few general expectations
based on your personality, core values and future plans and goals. You can also
take your past experience as a basis, but be careful with that. Knowing what
you want and spontaneity are equally important when it comes to dating,
therefore you need to find the golden mean to succeed.
Source:
The topics mentioned in this article were
inspired by the works of conscious dating expert Tímea Bilics and her book „A
tudatos társkeresés alapjai” (available only in Hungarian). It was one of
the first sources from which I learned about conscious dating, so I recommend
it to all Hungarian-speakers (or Hungarian-readers).
If you found this article useful, please share
it with your single friends along with the link of our group, which you can
find below! Like our Facebook page so you can always see what is new! If you
have any questions or suggestions, contact us!
The Conscious dating in Budapest team
https://www.facebook.com/consciousdatinginbudapest
www.facebook.com/groups/consciousdatinginbudapest/
consciousdatinginbudapest@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment