Written by: Liam Day
The way towards true and
lasting love is not an easy hiking trip for many of us these days, as sometimes
we encounter obstacles on it such as rejection and the lack of self-confidence.
Liam Day, founder of the Stay Sane Social Club Budapest and contributor
to the project Conscious Dating in Budapest, is sharing his tips and own
personal success story with us today.
"You're a nice guy but ..."
The men reading this may well
have heard this way more than they would like and the women may have had reason
to say it more than they'd like. When I was 16 years old, I wrote a play
entitled „Nice guys finish last”. The theme? Well I'm sure you have
already guessed it was about a lonely guy looking for love.
When I read it back a few years ago, I felt the bitterness coming through the script and realised that it was NOT an attractive quality. Was I still like that? Did I need to work on myself first before finding someone? I decided a little soul-searching was in order.
Over the next 18months, I
changed. I looked inward rather than outward and I developed my self-esteem.
The result is a much more secure, much happier version of myself. Was it easy?
Absolutely not. Was it worth it? Oh hell yeah.
I'd like to share some thoughts
about how you can do the same thing. Shrug off your insecurities and become
more attractive in the process.
1) Don't allow yourself to be friend-zoned
The friend zone is a place in
which there is clearly a power imbalance. The person who did the friendzoning
sometimes feels like they need a bit of attention and so they call the person
in the friendzone who, desperate for that person's affection, goes running. You
will rarely, if ever, get out of the friend zone and it is not worth the
repeated rejections or feelings of worthlessness.
One of my breakthrough moments
was, after an unsuccessful date, when a girl tried to put me in the friendzone.
I texted her with these words:
"With all due respect, I
have enough friends already. What I wanted from you was something more but I
understand and respect that you don't want the same from me."
I received a polite response and
that was that. But the feeling of self-confidence and self-worth I got from
doing this made me feel strong and secure - two words I would not
have used for myself before.
2) Create "I am ..." statements to
deal with rejection
Being rejected by a potential
partner is one of the most hurtful feelings there is but it's the way you
respond which characterises you. Most men will do one of two things - attack
the woman or attack themselves. The former will say things like "she
was a bitch anyway" or "she only goes for bastards"
while the latter will say things like "I'm useless" or "I
always get this wrong". Both approaches are incredibly unattractive. What
is better is simply to say to yourself "It's her loss. I know my value
and if she can't see that, then that's her problem, not mine."
To help with this, create a number of "I am ..." statements which show your potential value. For example, you might use your personality "I am honest" or an attribute of yours "I am a good cook". These statements can be anything about you but they must only be about you. Do not include anyone else. For example, don't say "I am honest so she can trust me" or "I am a good cook so I can cook for her".
If you're finding it difficult to
come up with these statements, ask your friends for help. What do they value
about you? Once you have at least five, memorise them and the next time you
experience a rejection, remind yourself that you are a catch.
3) Be OK being single
For years I was one of those
people who based his self-esteem upon his relationship status. If I was in a
relationship, I was confident but if not, I was needy and desperate for
affection. When a long relationship of mine ended, I decided to try to enjoy
being single for a while and found it quite liberating. I was not beholden to
anyone. I could go where I wanted, when I wanted and do what I wanted with who
I wanted. If I wanted to sit around the house eating pizza and playing video
games in the same clothes I slept in, then I could. I learned that having no
one else's timetable to consider but your own can be really nice. Of course
there were times when I missed having someone to cook for or watch a movie with
but on the whole, I was reasonably content.
Being single is not a disease and
yet too many people treat it like one.
4) Read
Many people mock self development
books but I found them uplifting. Reading the positive thoughts of others (and
if possible meeting and chatting with them as I was fortunate enough to do)
helps change your internal self talk. I would particularly recommend the work
of Cheryl Chapman, Andy Harrington and Susan Jeffers,
if you're looking for a place to start.
5) Cut toxic people out of your life
This is more of a general life tip than one
specifically related to dating. But if there's someone in your life who
constantly brings you down or belittles your dreams and ambitions, get rid of
them. Find people who are delighted at your successes and sympathetic at your
misfortunes. You'll be happier for it.
In the end…
I managed to implement these strategies and am now in a happy, fulfilling relationship. There's no reason the same can't happen to you!
If Liam’s story inspired you to
start working on yourself now and go to look for lasting love, feel free to
join our group using the link below. Do not forget to share it with your single
friends as well! If you have any questions either to him or us, you can also
contact us. You can also meet Liam in person and make many new friends and
experiences if you join the Stay Sane Social Club as well.
The Conscious dating in Budapest team
https://www.facebook.com/consciousdatinginbudapest
www.facebook.com/groups/consciousdatinginbudapest/
consciousdatinginbudapest@gmail.com
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