What to expect from your future partner?

Expectations are often a source of conflicts in relationships. After all if we don’t have any, we can’t get disappointed, can we? From one point of view no, but from another point of view yes, you still can, as we will see. For this reason self-awareness is important so we can see clearly who might be or not be a potential partner for us with whom we can plan for the long-term.

In order to do so, let’s do a short test. The question is simple, what kind of partner are you looking for?

We will give you 3 example answers (with some exaggeration, so taking it with humour is strongly advised). On the other hand, as everybody’s needs are different, it is not possible to give a right or wrong answer to this question. For this reason we will consider all of them neutral and examine both the positive and negative sides to them.

Example 1:

I don’t know. When someone likes me back, I’ll be happy.

What you are doing well:

·     Spontaneity is undeniably essential when it comes to dating. You do not always need to know in advance what will happen and how.

·    Being open and ready to make compromises is definitely a state of mind that helps you in this situation.

·     Not having too many expectations and not getting stressed out allow you to take it easy and feel much more relaxed during the entire process. Letting go is definitely necessary.

Where you could improve:

·       This attitude poses several dangers as well. For example:

·       People who are indecisive often get into and stay in toxic relationships for a longer period of time.

·   Even if your partner is nice, you might end up putting too much energy into the relationship and neglecting other things that used to matter to you.

·     It might be hard for you to realize and take the necessary steps if it turns out that the relationship does not work out for any reason.

Our advice:

·       Write a list of the core values and main goals in your life, then think over how another person could contribute to these.

o   What would their personality be like?  

o   What would they add to these?

o   What difficulties would arise?

o   What is it that you would not be able to tolerate?

·     Find hobbies or other activities that you are passionate about and enjoy doing regardless of how your relationship status changes.

·     Learn more about different personality types so you can identify more easily if you have something in common with someone.

·       If you need to, work on your self-confidence and learn to set boundaries!

Example 2

I am looking for a guy who is at least 185 centimetres tall and has bluish-green eyes and brownish-blonde hair. He should speak English, French, and German, and love dogs more than cats. He should not drink, but go to the gym at least 3 times/week. If he smokes, that is ok as long as he does not buy more than two boxes of cigarettes/month. He should also like Italian cuisine but hate fast food just like me and plan to have 2 kids within 8 years and 254 days. I do not want to date a lawyer, as my ex was a lawyer too and he never had time for me because of his job! I can’t wait to meet this perfect person and take him to my favorite café and dancing classes, and introduce him to my friends from the Chinese course I am taking!

What you are doing well:

·    You have many hobbies and do many activities that you love. This is amazing and it makes you an attractive person who probably always has something interesting to say during a conversation!

·      Your self-awareness is high, that is, you know yourself quite well and can tell what you can tolerate and what it is that you cannot.

·  Supposing you really know your worth and this why you set such high standards, it is totally understandable that you are not desperate and want to make conscious decisions.

Where you could improve:

·   Make sure your list is so long for the reasons mentioned above, and not because it is trying to compensate the lack of self-confidence or because it is based on all your negative experience from the past.

·     If you want to be in a long-term relationship and even create a family later, you might not be able to keep up this lifestyle forever. You will need to find the balance between no longer having hobbies and opportunities to develop yourself and doing those but not having any space for a relationship in your life at all.

·    The lack of flexibility is a huge obstacle when it comes to dating.  You cannot always control or plan every detail in advance, and life has many beautiful surprises that may surpass your expectations.

Our advice:

If I had to describe the situation of this person with a quote, I’d choose this one from George Bernard Shaw: „There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.” Basically these are the two possible outcomes:

1.      You do not meet anyone who meets all those „requirements” for a very long time.

2.     In an incredible way you do! You are very happy because you think you know exactly what she ordered, so that is what are getting. However, there will always be at least one surprise in the package that you forgot to consider and might be challenging for you.

For example, let’s say you want to meet a very nice person who is family-oriented, liked by their parents because they have almost never done anything wrong and respect the old values, and so on. You meet this person with these qualities, but soon it turns out that they depend too much on their relatives because of the shared values and these close connections. So keep the old saying in mind and „be careful what you wish for because you just might get it”.

What you can do to make all turn out well:

·       Work on your self-confidence and previous relationship experience if needed.

·      Generalize your statements a bit more so you exclude fewer potential partners (for example: instead of someone who goes to the gym 3 times a week I simply want to find someone who cares about their health).

·    When it comes to your past experience, however, keep in mind that based on that you should not always make generalizations, at least not in the wrong way.

·     Accept it that nobody is perfect and your new partner might not necessarily have the same interests as you. Respect what is important to them.

·      Be open to see what you are comfortable with and what is acceptable for you. Things do not always go according to the plan, but they can be even better in the end than you expected!

Example 3:

I am looking for a guy who takes care of his body and appearance, but what really matters is that he should be intelligent and have a few interesting hobbies so we always have something to talk about. I dream of having kids in 10 years or so, therefore I am definitely looking for a family-oriented person who is ready to start his own one in the future. For this reason I do not want him to be a workaholic.

What you are doing well:

·       You are aware of your needs that you would like to be met in a relationship.

·     Your list excludes a few people, for example workaholics and those who do not want to have children, but otherwise your description may still apply to many potential partners.

·       You have found the golden mean between having and not having expectations.

Where you could improve:

·     Keep in mind that not everybody has the same way of thinking. If you meet someone from category 1 for example, make sure that they really agree with you in the most important questions you as they also know what they want.

·     Stick to your principles but be open at the same time! If you think it is ok to make a compromise in a minor issue, do it. However, as for the more important ones, if you are sure you wouldn’t feel comfortable about something, do not let the circumstances change your mind!

·       Make sure you also have the traits and qualities that are on your list.

Our advice:

·       From time to time modify your list if needed due to your new life or dating experience.

·      Learn more about different personality types so you can identify more easily if someone seems to have most of the qualities you are looking for.

·       Learn to express your needs clearly and determinedly.

·       Visualize daily what it will be like to be in a relationship that meets your needs.

Why is this so important? First of all, obviously because you do not want to spend weeks, months, or even years either waiting for something that is not going to happen or wasting your time somewhere where you don’t belong. Secondly, just like in the beginning, we are yet again talking about balance and finding the golden mean. A relationship is often about finding that between your needs and the other person’s needs, giving and receiving, holding onto each other and giving space, and so on. Therefore it helps you a lot if your chosen partner’s needs and expectations along with the relationship itself are in harmony with your own goals instead of constantly keeping you in cognitive dissonance. This quote from George Benson depicts an ideal picture: “Our dreams are young and we both know, they'll take us where we want to go”. That is, we have mutual plans and goals that are also part of or can be added to the list of achievements that we would like to accomplish individually.

All in all, when choosing a partner for a long-term relationship, you should have a list with a few general expectations based on your personality, core values and future plans and goals. You can also take your past experience as a basis, but be careful with that. Knowing what you want and spontaneity are equally important when it comes to dating, therefore you need to find the golden mean to succeed.

Source:

The topics mentioned in this article were inspired by the works of conscious dating expert Tímea Bilics and her book „A tudatos társkeresés alapjai” (available only in Hungarian). It was one of the first sources from which I learned about conscious dating, so I recommend it to all Hungarian-speakers (or Hungarian-readers).

If you found this article useful, please share it with your single friends along with the link of our group, which you can find below! Like our Facebook page so you can always see what is new! If you have any questions or suggestions, contact us!

The Conscious dating in Budapest team

https://www.facebook.com/consciousdatinginbudapest

www.facebook.com/groups/consciousdatinginbudapest/

consciousdatinginbudapest@gmail.com

 

 

                                                                                                     

 

 

 

How I fell in love with myself ... first

 Written by: Liam Day

The way towards true and lasting love is not an easy hiking trip for many of us these days, as sometimes we encounter obstacles on it such as rejection and the lack of self-confidence. Liam Day, founder of the Stay Sane Social Club Budapest and contributor to the project Conscious Dating in Budapest, is sharing his tips and own personal success story with us today.

"You're a nice guy but ..."

The men reading this may well have heard this way more than they would like and the women may have had reason to say it more than they'd like. When I was 16 years old, I wrote a play entitled „Nice guys finish last”. The theme? Well I'm sure you have already guessed it was about a lonely guy looking for love.

When I read it back a few years ago, I felt the bitterness coming through the script and realised that it was NOT an attractive quality. Was I still like that? Did I need to work on myself first before finding someone? I decided a little soul-searching was in order.

Over the next 18months, I changed. I looked inward rather than outward and I developed my self-esteem. The result is a much more secure, much happier version of myself. Was it easy? Absolutely not. Was it worth it? Oh hell yeah.

I'd like to share some thoughts about how you can do the same thing. Shrug off your insecurities and become more attractive in the process.

1) Don't allow yourself to be friend-zoned

The friend zone is a place in which there is clearly a power imbalance. The person who did the friendzoning sometimes feels like they need a bit of attention and so they call the person in the friendzone who, desperate for that person's affection, goes running. You will rarely, if ever, get out of the friend zone and it is not worth the repeated rejections or feelings of worthlessness.

One of my breakthrough moments was, after an unsuccessful date, when a girl tried to put me in the friendzone. I texted her with these words:

"With all due respect, I have enough friends already. What I wanted from you was something more but I understand and respect that you don't want the same from me."

I received a polite response and that was that. But the feeling of self-confidence and self-worth I got from doing this made me feel strong and secure - two words I would not have used for myself before.

2) Create "I am ..." statements to deal with rejection

Being rejected by a potential partner is one of the most hurtful feelings there is but it's the way you respond which characterises you. Most men will do one of two things - attack the woman or attack themselves. The former will say things like "she was a bitch anyway" or "she only goes for bastards" while the latter will say things like "I'm useless" or "I always get this wrong". Both approaches are incredibly unattractive. What is better is simply to say to yourself "It's her loss. I know my value and if she can't see that, then that's her problem, not mine."

To help with this, create a number of "I am ..." statements which show your potential value. For example, you might use your personality "I am honest" or an attribute of yours "I am a good cook". These statements can be anything about you but they must only be about you. Do not include anyone else. For example, don't say "I am honest so she can trust me" or "I am a good cook so I can cook for her".

If you're finding it difficult to come up with these statements, ask your friends for help. What do they value about you? Once you have at least five, memorise them and the next time you experience a rejection, remind yourself that you are a catch.

3) Be OK being single

For years I was one of those people who based his self-esteem upon his relationship status. If I was in a relationship, I was confident but if not, I was needy and desperate for affection. When a long relationship of mine ended, I decided to try to enjoy being single for a while and found it quite liberating. I was not beholden to anyone. I could go where I wanted, when I wanted and do what I wanted with who I wanted. If I wanted to sit around the house eating pizza and playing video games in the same clothes I slept in, then I could. I learned that having no one else's timetable to consider but your own can be really nice. Of course there were times when I missed having someone to cook for or watch a movie with but on the whole, I was reasonably content.

Being single is not a disease and yet too many people treat it like one.

4) Read

Many people mock self development books but I found them uplifting. Reading the positive thoughts of others (and if possible meeting and chatting with them as I was fortunate enough to do) helps change your internal self talk. I would particularly recommend the work of Cheryl Chapman, Andy Harrington and Susan Jeffers, if you're looking for a place to start.

5) Cut toxic people out of your life

 This is more of a general life tip than one specifically related to dating. But if there's someone in your life who constantly brings you down or belittles your dreams and ambitions, get rid of them. Find people who are delighted at your successes and sympathetic at your misfortunes. You'll be happier for it.

In the end…

I managed to implement these strategies and am now in a happy, fulfilling relationship. There's no reason the same can't happen to you!

If Liam’s story inspired you to start working on yourself now and go to look for lasting love, feel free to join our group using the link below. Do not forget to share it with your single friends as well! If you have any questions either to him or us, you can also contact us. You can also meet Liam in person and make many new friends and experiences if you join the Stay Sane Social Club as well.

The Conscious dating in Budapest team

https://www.facebook.com/consciousdatinginbudapest

www.facebook.com/groups/consciousdatinginbudapest/

consciousdatinginbudapest@gmail.com

 

All about conscious dating – What is it, how to do it, and why should I?

 What is conscious dating? Can you learn about relationships the easy way? Why do we need another dating platform if we have seen them all? We are about to give you the answers in our very first blog post!

What is conscious dating?

If you wonder what on Earth conscious dating is, think of the evergreen contradiction between how your brain and how your heart works when you are in love. Many times you hear people say „follow your heart but take your brain with you”. This may sound unusual or difficult at first, but this is exactly what people do who practice conscious dating. So, how to overcome this contradiction?

In conscious dating you will need to find a balance between using you brain and your heart

The process is quite simple as long as you are ready to put time and energy into it and understand that it does not end with the beginning of a new relationship. Learning about yourself never does. This is one main principle of conscious dating, which many singles do not keep in mind and therefore end up giving too much in the wrong situations. Doing conscious dating is like starting a marketing campaign for your company: you need to know what you are putting on the market inside out and see which available tools work best to reach your goal along with those people who are looking for exactly what you can offer.

This is how to be conscious in a few simple steps:

1. While you're single

While you are single and waiting for a potential partner to arrive into your life, it is a good idea to do some brainstorming – literally, this is where your brain comes into the picture. To increase your chances of starting a happily working long-term relationship you should think about and have a few ideas in mind regarding the following:

© What is the level of your self-confidence?
©     What are your goals for the long-term?
©     What you can learn from your previous relationships?
©     What kind of partner you are looking for?
©     What expectations do you have from a relationship?
©     Is anything holding you back (feelings for an ex, fears because you have seen bad relationships, etc.)?
©     How to become the best and happiest version of yourself? 

Don't worry, we will write several articles related to these topics, so you will have the chance to see a more detailed image! It is worth making lists or keeping a diary while practicing conscious dating so you can track the changes in your life and attitude.

2. When dating someone 

Obviously, being aware of these ideas and yourself comes in handy when it comes to actually going on dates. For example:

©     Someone with enough self confidence will react better to rejection and avoid making decisions out of desperation.
©     If you are already doing what you love in your life, you can make a much better impression on your partner.
©     You will need to make a decision to choose or not to choose someone on partly practical and logical factors.
©     Nobody can tell how long a relationship will last, but if you are aware of your own life goals, habits, etc., it is easier to see who is compatible with these and can support you in the long-term.

3. In a relationship

When you are in a relationship, we advise you to have two different pairs of imaginary glasses in you bag:

©     The rose-colored one: that will be there and that is totally ok. 
©     A normal one that you put on from time to time to see if everything is going in the right way, you are satisfied with your partner's behavior, and so on. 

All in all, conscious dating basically means following your heart but taking your brain with you. In order to do so you need to develop self-awareness first. Putting effort into preparing yourself consciously for a long-term relationship is definitely worth it, as long as you are ready to try something new because you want to gain more positive experience from now on. 

Can you learn about relationships the easy way?

Does this mean learning the easy way instead of the hard way? Yes and no! What does that mean? 

©     People are people, so you can still get into any kind of dating situation. What will change and make a difference is your attitude and the choices you make. 

©     You might be able to see who is not compatible with you more easily and spare a few unwanted wrong turns, but you will have other tasks such as turning your previous bad experience into something positive, which takes a lot of work. 

A relationship also means learning together

When it comes to learning about, or even via relationships (this is the main reason for their existence after all, to teach us), the way itself is usually even more important and gives you even more new experiences than finally reaching your goal in the end. These lines from a song by Miley Cyrus express very well what you should focus on during the process:

„Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb!”

 It is not about how quickly you reach your goal and meet the love of your life, what really matters is how you can become a better version of yourself (which comes with challenges sometimes) and be surrounded with new people with whom you are on the same wavelength.

Why do we need another dating platform if we have seen them all?

Conscious dating is a relatively new concept. While decades ago families and married couples depended much more on each other both emotionally and financially, nowadays we have an unlimited number of opportunities to set and achieve goals independently. For this reason many people are not looking for a lasting connection in the first place.

We should also take it into consideration that in today’s modern world we are subject to many stimuli daily. Even in other situations, for example at work we often face rejection, differences in opinion, gender-related issues, or indecision, which all affect our self-confidence and how we think about other people and relationships. If we recognize these underlying factors affecting our behaviour in certain situations, we can take over control and make more mindful decisions.

Becoming the best version of yourself is part of the process

Many single people wish a change happened in these tendencies: they wish more fellows were ready to commit to a long-lasting relationship and the whole process of finding a partner was less complicated. The bad news is that is not going to happen by itself and overnight. On the other hand, the good news is that everybody, icluding you too can contribute to this by making minor alterations. The change begins with you, because:

©   It is your task to decide what kind of people you want to share your life or maybe even the rest of your life with.
©     You want to feel good in your future partner’s company and expect to enjoy the time you spend together. You are probably looking for someone with a positive aura. However, such a person has the same desires, therefore you should make sure you own the same traits and qualities.

Putting all this time and energy into yourself and creating something that lasts is a long-term investment, which always requires some time before you can enjoy its benfetits. But we are planning for the long-term, aren’t we?

I would like to thank our partners, especially Liam Day, Valeriano Donzelli, and Rund Al-Husseini, who have contributed a great deal to laying the foundations of Conscious dating in Budapest. Our group is for people who are already doing conscious dating or are ready to try a new approach in order to gain new experience and more positive results. We will give you valuable and useful information each week regarding different topics in connection with conscious dating, which you can put into practise when it comes to socializing with the other members. Please keep in mind that we are not professional relationship coaches, so all we can do is share our opinion and experience with you. You are also free to ask questions or share your opinion, so we can get to know you better not only based not only on your profile photo.

If you haven’t seen the group yet, you can check it out at the following link: www.facebook.com/groups/consciousdatinginbudapest/ In the pinned post you can find our general rules and principles along with some useful links and the (for the time being) complete list of our partner groups and pages, which also offer good opportunities if you want to socialize with new people freely and not only with the purpose of starting a romantic relationship. Some of our partner organizers also offer lectures or talks on relationships from time to time, so you can hear the same information from several points of view, and even dating events.

Meet new people in our group!

While this blog and our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/consciousdatinginbudapest  are available for everyone who wants to be more mindful and practice self-awareness, either as a single person or in an existing relationship, our group events will be available only for our members. The reason for his is because we intend to create a strong and safe community.  

We are looking forward to receiving feedback and topics ideas that you would willingly read about or discuss in the group. If you find our project useful, feel free to share this article and the group link with your single friends! We would be very happy to hear from you and welcome our new members!

Good luck on this new journey! 🛫

The Conscious dating in Budapest team

https://www.facebook.com/consciousdatinginbudapest

www.facebook.com/groups/consciousdatinginbudapest/

consciousdatinginbudapest@gmail.com