For today Jay Shetty brought his top 5 pieces of advice for us regarding love and relationships.
What advice would you give to your friends who are in a relationship or also looking for a partner? Share your thoughts with us via the contact info below or in our Facebook group!
The Conscious dating in Budapest team
https://www.facebook.com/consciousdatinginbudapest
www.facebook.com/groups/consciousdatinginbudapest/
consciousdatinginbudapest@gmail.com
What if a relationship is going too fast and what does that mean at all? Let’s find out quickly!
First of all, we would like to share the thoughts of conscious dating expert Tímea Bilics:
A few weeks ago I wrote an introductory article stating that if one of your relationships had a not too happy ending, you may often ask yourself where things went wrong and why you didn’t notice the red flags on time. You probably do not want the situation to be repeated and you don’t want to get hurt again.
As I also wrote back then, I generally do not like it when people point a finger at the other person, and I encourage everyone to find the reasons why they also contributed to the failure of the relationship first of all. However, there are also situations when things really don’t depend on you.
But what are the signs that suggest that the relationship isn’t going in the right way or you or you are not with the right person even during the dating period?
One of these is when the relationship is moving too fast. This may be a huge trap because when you really like someone, you would like to be with them and spend as much time with them as possible. If you have the impression that the other person feels the same way too, you become joyful and hardly notice that you are going too fast.
Today’s rushy world also contributes to this process, where messages get delivered in a split second, any kind of information can be found instantly on the Internet, where we judge the another person quickly, because we do not have time to get to know them. People in today’s society are indeed impatient and want to get everything immediately. Of course, there may be differences, but in general we do not learn to wait.
But why is quickness a problem?
Because if we access everything too quickly, we do not learn to value things, and we will not develop the feeling of craving, anticipation, and desire either. On top of all these if things are going too fast, our attention slackens, we cannot be fully present, and we lose some details that would be good to experience or notice.
When a relationship is moving too fast,
1. I do not have enough time to observe myself and how I feel in the relationship, what effect the other person has on me. For example, is there calmness behind the passion, or do I feel a little discomfort, distrust, am I questioning anything, do I have doubts about the other person about the other person or the relationship, which should be discussed?
2. I do not have time to observe whether this pace is good for me and comfortable, or am I moving onto the next step out of fear, because I’m afraid of losing the other person?
3. I do not notice if the other person crosses my borders and things have been happening for a long time that are not comfortable for me.
4. I might lose my sense of reality and not notice if something is wrong. I do not have time to think over what has been said and what has been done. We may ignore for example vague or irrational reasonings, whose purpose is to cover potential falsehoods, by the other person.
5. Real feelings will not develop more quickly, those need time. What you feel in the beginning is very good and points forward, but it is not really a feeling, only desire and a fantasy projected onto the other person.
But what counts as too fast?
Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about when two people both like each other and things are on their way, where they may be huge differences regarding time.
I am talking about when you would like to move slowly, but the other person is rushing you or the other way around.
When during online chatting they already ask you about your sexual habits even though you have not even seen each other yet.
When after exchanging a few messages they already demand an answer regarding why you are not texting them.
When on the first date they already call you their girlfriend/boyfriend or “sweetheart”, and they already become jealous of your exes.
When they already want to sleep with you on the first date and convince you to do so even though you would not want to do it yet.
When on the second date they already want to introduce you to their family.
When the other person wants to move in together after one month, etc.
Always observe how you are in your relationship and what pace feels good for you! If you feel that it is too fast, you have the right to let the other person know this at any time and ask for time. This is the point where you can really see if they can become your partner. If they understand and respect this, go on with them. If they do not understand it, try to make a deal, judge you, or ignore your feelings, you had better put on your coat immediately and find that person who pays attention to you and appreciates what you can give at the moment.
Tímea Bilics
We’ve also asked the members of our Facebook group, Conscious dating in Budapest, how they see this topic. The result are presented on this chart:
If a relationship is moving very fast (you sleep together on the first-second date, then move in together in a few weeks let's say), that is...
While most voters (23 people) think it is hard to judge the situation because many things depend on the circumstances, the majority of them think it is just too fast (14 votes), dangerous (12 votes) and unhealthy (1 vote). The given options describing positive qualities were not chosen at all, only exciting, marked by 5 voters. Those who commented also mentioned the role of finances in the matter, that is, if you move in together with someone quickly, it is easier to share the costs instead of having to pay them all alone.
Let’s look at the possible reasons and dynamics behind these result. When the relationship is going too fast, that may be…
Situation-dependent: as Tímea also wrote, if this feels comfortable for you, there are no problems. If you are aware of your boundaries, you can easily decide whether they have been crossed or not. This where self-awareness comes into the picture, which is essential in a situation like this. She also mentioned why it is a problem if things are just too fast and we do not notice some important details.
Dangerous: there are two main potential dangers here. Apart from losing our sense of reality (we will yet again not go into details here too), the other one is a potential power imbalance. It can easily happen that one person wants to give more and the other person wants to take more, which is not ideal, even if it might seem comfortable at first. This can happen in several ways: when it comes to finances, emotions, energy, etc.
Not healthy: the above-mentioned dangers basically explain why such a relationship is usually not healthy. If we do not see clearly and let ourselves be controlled, that does not have a good effect on our self-confidence, and it is also possible that we fail to notice some other toxic patterns for a long time.
Exciting: this situation is indeed, and it is possible to experience very deep and strong feelings. We all crave these, and they are important in romantic relationships. On the other hand, we should always keep in mind that in the long-term this will not be the main factor based on which the relationship can be evaluated. How the other person treats us and how we cope with everyday challenges together tells a lot more about the quality of our relationship. Actions always speak louder than words, so if someone says “I love you” or even that “we are soulmates”, let them prove that as well.
All in all, even though jumping into a new relationship very fast might seem exciting, most of us are aware of the potential dangers of this situation. Self-awareness always comes in handy so we can notice more easily if our boundaries have been crossed and whether what the other person’s behaviour along with the image we have in our mind match with reality. If all the three come together, the relationship is probably heading in the right direction, and if not, we need self-awareness to decide what we find worth or not worth investing our energy into.
The topics mentioned in this article were inspired by the works of conscious dating expert Tímea Bilics and her book „A tudatos társkeresés alapjai” (available only in Hungarian). It was one of the first sources from which I learned about conscious dating, so I recommend it to all Hungarian-speakers (or Hungarian-readers).
If you found this article useful, please share it with your single friends along with the link of our group, which you can find below! Like our Facebook page so you can always see what is new! If you have any questions or suggestions, contact us!
The Conscious dating in Budapest team
https://www.facebook.com/consciousdatinginbudapest
www.facebook.com/groups/consciousdatinginbudapest/
consciousdatinginbudapest@gmail.com
Do you tend to fall in love too fast? If so, what do you think the reason for that is? Dating coach Matthew Hussey may give you some ideas and a deeper understanding:
If you find our content useful, feel free to share it with your single friends along with the link of our group, which you can find below! You can also leave a comment or like our Facebook page too so you can always see what is new! If you have any questions or suggestions, you can find our contact info below as well.
The Conscious dating in Budapest team
https://www.facebook.com/consciousdatinginbudapest
At the beginning of our project a few weeks ago we made a summary of the concept of conscious dating. We have received some questions since then, for example one of our readers wants to know whether conscious dating exclusively means looking for the one. Today we are going to discuss this topic in more detail.
In short, for most singles yes, that is their main goal, and our main focus is on supporting that as well in our group. However, if we asked such a person why they want this, the answer would probably be quite complex in the end. Why do I want a serious relationship? Because I want emotional stability and have someone I can always count on, someone with whom I can always explore something new, and so on.
On the other hand, if you ask someone who does not want this, exactly the same will happen. I’m not looking for anything serious, because I do not want to lose my freedom, I am leaving the city in a year, and I don’t feel ready for that in general. That’s why I’m looking for only something short-term.
In both cases the speakers gave a conscious answer. They know what they want (or do not want) and they are aware of their underlyings motivation too. They also know how to communicate their needs, and this is what conscious dating is all about. Nobody can decide what is good for you instead of you, that’s why this is your first task if you decide to step onto this way. However, you also need to know how to communicate your ideas in the right way so others understand your needs and expectations clearly. We have created a list of what you should keep in mind under all circumstances.
Let go of fairy tales
Get to know yourself and your needs
Learn to communicate your needs clearly
Develop acceptance and emotional maturity
Set and stick to your boundaries
Learn more about your partner and everything else around you
Let’s see how this process works in detail:
We have already mentioned before what the difference is between howmovies and fairy tales depict love and how most people experience itin their lives. In fact, both are possible. Some people want to experience something very intense, (just like in those stories), especially while they are young, and they do. However, such relationships require a lot of mental resources and letting yourself see someone as totally perfect may be dangerous. Therefore this condition cannot be maintained till the end of time, and after experiencing it many people start to wish for another kind of relationship (or the existing relationship becomes): a calmer one, which is about stability, trust, reliability, seeing a more or less objective image of your partner, and always being there for each other despite the difficulties rather than constantly experiencing a variety of emotions at the highest level.
Even if you want to try the first option, you should keep the second one in mind and start working on that part of the relationship too as soon as possible, or see how compatible you may be with your new partner from this point of view.
In today’s society, if you happen to be in a modern, multicultural environment, you can become whoever you want to be. This refers to your main life goals, for example where you want to live, do you want to have children or not, what you would like to achieve in your career, and so on. These are all important when it comes to finding a long-term partner, because they will need to support you in these.
However, at the same time it also refers to what kind of relationships you want to be in. Would you mind being in a long-distance relationship for example or is that totally out of the question? Do you want one long-term relationship or several shorter ones? What do you think about one night stands, can you treat them with the right expectations? Does your culture support polygamy, and if so, do you want to try it, or could you never imagine yourself doing that? Our needs are all different. Nobody knows better than you what is good for you, so this is why it is important to become aware of what you want and keep the next point in mind:
If you have little or no experience in dating and relationships, communication will probably take some learning. This is a complex issue, but now we would like to highlight two concepts: honesty and respect. It is clear what being honest about your intentions means, but there is also a link between the two: if you are not frank, sooner or later you might lose your respect, and the consequences are the same after all.
If we compare any relationship (even friendly or business ones) to a car, respect is like the fuel. If there is no more left, it stops working. Pushing it by force requires a lot of effort, and maybe you can keep moving forward this way for a while, but not as much as you wish you could, so sooner or later you will toally give up and start focusing almost exclusively on the negative traits of your partner that have contributed to creating this situation.
On the other hand, being respectful pays off in the long-term: whatever happened between you and another person, it is much easier to focus on the positive side of it and what you’ve learned from it if you do not need to deal with new negative emotions before that such as anger or guilt. If both parties were respectful towards each other during the relationship, is also less difficult to cooperate with your ex-partner if you had kids together, work for the same company, or simply have many mutual friends if you still have respect for each other.
Respect is also something that needs to be both given and gotten, therefore finding a balance between the two is essential. The ideal situation is when both parties do both equally.
A relationship always depends on two people. If you know what you want and communicate that clearly, honestly and respectfully towards the other person, now it is up to them how they react. For example, you might tell someone you are not ready for a serious relationship, and they might think: “I do want one, so I am sure I’ll be able to make him/her change his/her mind about this!” Trying to force your way of thinking on someone, to change someone, or to save someone from themselves – these are all actions that require hard work but will most probably not pay off in the end.
What you should do instead is always listen to the other person and see how compatible their plans and expectations are with yours. If someone has different needs or a different opinion, accept and respect that and decide what the next step should be taking that into account. If you develop this kind of emotional maturity, you can make more mindful decisions when it comes to dating.
We’ve just talked about trying to “save someone from themselves”, which is a good example to demonstrate what setting your boundaries means. You have a life and you are responsible for finding happiness in it. Your partner is in exactly the same situation, so if they are not able to do that, you can say you can try to help in some ways, but you cannot devote the majority of your energy to trying to fix their problem instead of them. But setting your boundaries and saying NO may apply to minor things as well.
Last week we discussed how your comfort zone affects your life. If you start a new relationship with a new partner, that usually comes with a lot of new opportunities as well to try what you haven’t before. Feel free to experiment with these and decide what is comfortable or not comfortable for you in the long-term. Try to find a balance between your old and new goals so you can create your life together gradually without having to make abrupt changes and take the next big step in the relationship when both of you feel ready. Do not put all your focus on your new partner if you’ve had only a few dates so far, because this way it will be harder to see a more or less objective image of them.
Getting to know your partner to see a more or less objective image of them is in fact a learning process. So is the relationship itself and every other important situation in your life. Diamond is the hardest substance on earth, therefore you cannot use any other material to cut it and make it shiny, only itself. The same happens in our relationships: other people often motivate us to question our old way of thinking, learn new communication skills, become better at managing our emotions, step out of our comfort zone, start something new, and the list could be continued.
All in all, conscious dating is not about reaching a certain goal that most people think is necessary to achieve in life. It is more about being aware of your own needs and wishes and setting the right expectations accordingly. As we are all different and think differently, it is great learning opportunity as well, because it requires you to learn valuable skills such as acceptance or communicating clearly. The new people you meet might also motivate you to develop yourself in other other ways, for example by setting boundaries or stepping out of your comfort zone on the contrary.
If you find our content useful, feel free to share it with your single friends along with the link of our group, which you can find below! You can also leave a comment or like our Facebook page too so you can always see what is new! If you have any questions or suggestions, you can find our contact info below as well.
The Conscious dating in Budapest team
https://www.facebook.com/consciousdatinginbudapest
www.facebook.com/groups/consciousdatinginbudapest/
consciousdatinginbudapest@gmail.com
